


Intimacy

by mountain_ash



Series: So Many Lost Chances [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Confessions, Episode: s05e03 Free to Be You and Me, Ficlet, Implied Sexual Content, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 10:04:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15727182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mountain_ash/pseuds/mountain_ash
Summary: Castiel asks Dean why sex is so important and tells him what intimacy means to him.





	Intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> Originally on [tumblr](http://a-mountain-ash.tumblr.com/post/177145494815/intimacy) and based on the first gif in [this](http://inacatastrophicmind.tumblr.com/post/176700110323) gifset!

He feels his face fall as the truth of the statement settles into his bones. It's been years since he properly enjoyed himself, and it had come in the form of a confusing little angel. Before this moment, Dean hadn't even been certain he liked Cas. Respected him, yes. Trusted him, sure. Enjoyed his company, no. Save for tonight, and tonight was the last. His stomach clenches in pain at the thought as he ducks inside the Impala. Tomorrow, Cas will be gone and Dean will be alone again. He wants the angel closer, all of a sudden, as close as he can get him.

"So that didn't pan out." He aims for playful, but a dark hint of anxiety laces his words.

"I suppose not." Cas answers. He'd been smiling moments ago, feeding off Dean's enthusiasm. His tone is now equally morose.

"Do you still want to? Know what it's like, that is. I could-" His throat is dry and speaking suddenly feels like rubbing sandpaper together. He hasn't contemplated doing something like this since Sammy was in college and he was on his own, but he wants Cas and he wants Cas to want him. Putting the Impala into drive, he tries again and lays himself out raw. "Would you consider me?"

Cas looks over at him with those wide eyes he has. Innocent, yet still fully in control, as though devouring all that is new to him and determining its worth. "Is that one of your metaphorical questions or are you offering?"

Dean's heart pounds faster. Cas's tone forgives nothing; no understanding, no eagerness. He could answer the former. Play it off as curiosity. "Offering." His voice breaks on the word and it barely comes out a whisper.

"Can I ask you a question?" Cas asks, his head tilting in that way he does when he's trying hard to decipher something. Dean feels trapped in his gravity, held captive by the angel's endless fascination. He doesn't mind. He never wants to escape.

"Mhmm."

"What is your obsession with the construct of virginity? Why is mine important to you?"

His breath is coming faster and Dean wonders if he might suffocate under the force of Cas's scrutiny. "Because I want it."

"Is sex the most intimate thing you can think of, Dean?" The angel's gravelly voice has dropped lower than Dean has ever heard it, and he chances a look towards him. It was a mistake. Cas is staring at him with a burning intensity, forcing him to truly look inside himself to answer the question. He forces his eyes back to the road as his thighs clench involuntarily.

Most of the time sex isn't intimate at all. Most of the time, it's his body moving with another toward a mutual goal. He doesn't remember the names of anyone he's had sex with, save for a few. Those were the times sex had been intimate. Dean had given those women something of himself along with his body and it had mattered to them.

"Do you want to know what the most intimate thing I can think of is, Dean?" Cas asks when he doesn't answer his question. Dean bites his lip and nods.

"Intimate is feeling trust for the first time, and having it returned." Dean's breath catches as he realizes Cas's words mirror his thoughts.

"Intimate is touching a human soul for the first time, and guarding it with your life." He turns into the motel parking lot and kills the engine.

"Intimate is defying everything you know, to follow that soul and experience something new." His muscles tremble and he can't release his grip on the steering wheel, caught in the spell of Cas's confessions.

The door to the Impala opens and shuts and Cas is no longer inside, yet still he can't move. The angel is at his door then, reaching inside and gently pulling his hands from the wheel. "Come experience something new with me, Dean."

As they lie back to front in bed the next morning, tears fall from the corners of Dean's eyes, running salt trails across the bridge of his nose and down his cheeks. They fall with soft pattering sounds on his pillow, like rain hitting a roof. Cas's lips press to the back of his neck one more time and they rise to face his last day.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be writing one of these for each gif in that gifset! I hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> Comments always appreciated and come visit me on [tumblr](http://a-mountain-ash.tumblr.com/)!


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